Friday, March 11, 2011

Very Naughty Language herein

I believe I've solved profanity.

At least, I've discovered a formula for inventing nonce-fuckyous that keeps me entertained while yelling at New jersey drivers, and prevents my repertoire from getting stale.

First, choose any one-syllable profanity. The short ones tend to be punchiest and most visceral anyway.

Then take any mundane single-word trochee--a two-syllable word with a stressed first syllable and unstressed second syllable--whose first syllable shares a vowel sound with the profanity.

Et voila! You have a metrically ideal nonsense phrase that people will involuntarily try to picture, disgusting them, delighting you (assuming you're as big a child as I am), and getting you thrown out of restaurants.

Turd burglar.
Ass badger.
Shit brisket.
Fuck nugget.
Twat nozzle.

"Goddamn asshole!" may have long since lost its punch, but I guarantee "son of a cunt smuggler!" will have, if nothing else, the shine of novelty.

The system hasn't failed me yet.


  1. Drill Sergeant Daily had mastered that skill as of 1980, and I'm pretty sure he was operating off of notes his great-great-great-grandfather had written up from a lecture given by Baron von Steuban...

  2. Heh. I'll have to see if Google Books has a facsimile of his Revolutionary War Profanity Manual.

  3. Howard Tayler has come up with one of the best, IMHO, with "Crap on a Crutch!"

  4. I actually laughed out loud at "ass badger".