Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Oh, fishy, fishy, fishy fish...

"Rare deep sea frilled shark dying"?

No, no, no. Incorrect. It's abundantly clear that this shark's already dead. Obviously it's a prehistoric shark-zombie--dead and animated since the miocene--shamble-swimming through the chill waters that preserve its long-necrotic flesh as it searches out the sweet primate-meats that ease some of the horrible pain of existing.

I've said it before; I'll say it again: If I'm ever President, I'll follow a three-part strategy for governing. Shrink government; mind our own business in foreign affairs; nuke the ocean.


  1. I think that last point is most important. If I may suggest a campaign slogan?

    "Fish! They're better off dead!"

  2. Ooh... And if anybody objects to nuking the ocean, I can take a page from our Fearless leader:

    "If you have a better plan for completely sterilizing the sea for generations to come, I'm open to it."

    As it is, they're just being obstructionist without offering any solutions of their own.

  3. I don't understand. Where are the opportunities for graft, corruption and patronage?

  4. Oh, they'll always find a way. It's the first law of plutodynamics: corruption always seeks its own level. ;)

  5. Heh, I'm a Marine Biologist, and while I don't quite understand why one would want to serialize the ocean (and I understand the lack of seriousness as it would generally destroy all life on earth), I think it's funny as hell!

  6. ...I'm a Marine Biologist...

    I'm naturally suspicious of those who fraternize with the enemy, but I'll give you a pass. When the aquatic hellbeasts meet us in combat, we'll need experts like you to show us their weaknesses.

    "Now thrust with the bayonet _through_ the funnel, right into the systemic heart, and try to follow through into the gonad. A followup slash at the bucal mass may sever some or all of the arm nerves..."

  7. Oh the fuckers kill real easy, I've killed a ton...turned a bunch into poop while I was at it!

    I also think they're wicked cool....except for Dolphins who suck and are lame!

  8. Oh the fuckers kill real easy...

    I dunno, man. impersonating other species. They can voluntarily detach trapped arms, including the special arm they use for reproduction, meaning they can fuck you all the way through your colon, and keep fucking you after they've left.


  9. Dammit, format error. Short version: no skeleton, three hearts, decentralized neural nervous system spread between the small armored brain and eight semiautonomous arms, can disorient you with ink and constantly changing color/texture/shape, even mimicking other species. Detachable arms. Perma-rape. Satanbeasts.

  10. Yeah but steam 'em up, and they make an awesome turd!

    I'll take mine with a little chili sauce!